Fathers

When I feel i'm not adequate,

that i'm not attractive, 

that my partner doesn't truly love me,

that my art doesn't matter,

that I am a failure,

I think of my father and how 

he didn't care that I grew up without him,

that when we tried to have conversations

he rarely paid any attention or care to what I said.

I think of the man people praised and how I wished I was a part of his life,

how I wished he gave me some time,

and I hung on to every hug, every I love you,

every mi amor,

every gift,

every promise,

only to end up in disappointment,

in pain,

in tears.

And now, I'm a mother of two,

and I look to my partner to establish 

that awesome relationship I never had.

That he never had.

Which is close to impossible, but we make it happen.

Most of the time. 

We both hang on to each other, trying 

to make this family structure work. 

With our faults, our fights, our passion, 

we teach our kids that both of their sides are valid, loved, heard.

Because when I'm feeling sad,

worthless,

lonely,

I think of my dad.