Surrendering

As all the men take up so much space in my life,
today I fight back and take control of my territory.
Can't depend on validation from males.

I tried becoming a wife, a home mother,
but I need to focus on my work because my work is also important.
Education, Art, Science, Healing, Communities in need.

My grandmother was a very submissive yet hard working woman.
Her husband would hit the kids to keep them in line.
I don't want to have my kids be afraid, I don't want to hit.
Want to use my life as their foundation.

What do I need to feel fulfilled?
It's important to be recognized,
for what I am,
a person who studies life,
people,
sees the flow of time,
allows the world to exist.
That my daughters grow healthy,
that I be with people who support me through their love,
their time.
Time.
Time is limited for everybody.
I gotta make time for myself.
for my body, my soul, my mind.
How?

Fathers Pt 2

When I see my dad with his younger wife,
hugging her at breakfast,
checking in with her for decisions like
should my daughter and granddaughters drive in the car with us
or should they follow us,
not sure what we're doing after.

When I see my dad with his younger wife,
traveling to Guatemala,
traveling to LA, and he calls me until after he arrives to let me know
he wants to hang out and have dinner,
and lets me pick the place,
and I think he's gonna celebrate my upcoming 30th,
but when we get to Beni Hana he tells the waiter we're celebrating
his wife's birthday that just passed,
and I am going to say something but I just stay quiet,
cause let's face it,
he's in love with this woman like an idiot,
and she's gonna keep it all.

When I see my dad with his younger wife,
calling her mi amor,
and I see her nails and hair are done,
and she's got her family living in the house,
and my dad rolls with her everywhere,
I really want to laugh,
that I desired this man's time so much,
and I'm a capricorn,
and she's a capricorn,
and I'm like dude we could have gotten along too,
but sex, dope, and money make the world go around,
Like Deacon used to say.

Toddler Stress

You know,
when you visit family and they're trying to place all kinds of labels on your toddler,
and they try to hug her and kiss her and she just won't budge,
looking for your skirt to hide behind it,
so she can feel safe,
and you feel like you gotta make her perform,
and then you realize,
fuck that.
She will hug you when she damn well pleases.
Don't try to buy her with candy,
with screens,
with toys.

Spend some time with her, get to know her,
before you want her to love you unconditionally,
make sure you love yourself.
Pretty soon she'll be pouring an imaginary teacup for you.
And then you realize she is wiser than any of you motherfuckers.

Fathers

When I feel i'm not adequate,

that i'm not attractive, 

that my partner doesn't truly love me,

that my art doesn't matter,

that I am a failure,

I think of my father and how 

he didn't care that I grew up without him,

that when we tried to have conversations

he rarely paid any attention or care to what I said.

I think of the man people praised and how I wished I was a part of his life,

how I wished he gave me some time,

and I hung on to every hug, every I love you,

every mi amor,

every gift,

every promise,

only to end up in disappointment,

in pain,

in tears.

And now, I'm a mother of two,

and I look to my partner to establish 

that awesome relationship I never had.

That he never had.

Which is close to impossible, but we make it happen.

Most of the time. 

We both hang on to each other, trying 

to make this family structure work. 

With our faults, our fights, our passion, 

we teach our kids that both of their sides are valid, loved, heard.

Because when I'm feeling sad,

worthless,

lonely,

I think of my dad. 

Birth

I woke up in New Jersey today and I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls. Born at home, with their family. Mixing two Central American histories of love and war, they made grand entrances to this world and I know they are determined to carry a legacy of transformation and transcendence.

I married an amazing man who is full of pain, passion, love and vision. I have struggled to see how my family copes with his presence, with his skin full of stories, just as I have struggled with his love. Yet, I continue to love him, the father of my girls. He reminds me that life is duality, reminds me to work hard every day to create the life I want. 

Becoming a mother has made me face the darkest parts of myself no one ever sees. Family is witness to things no camera can capture. 

Peace.

Re Spect

Been feeling slowly put together - new ideas and dreams roaming in my head.
Maybe they were always there.

Rebuilding what family means, what heart means, what work means.

Today my knee hurt - it's cold. My body constantly changes size, shape, look - it's no wonder my joints struggle to catch up sometimes. Started yoga last week due to my back pain, and I endured. Already my body feels differently...readjusting. Today I'm going to a beginner's class - just to go back to basics really quick and align some more.

In the past few months I've been growing a relationship - with friendship, support, respect, patience (even though I've had my moments of uncertainty and, to a certain degree, fear). The person you share your body with is of a special kind. Raw energy is transferred between bodies - aligning two universes.

My heart is challenged and happy.

On my mind is also my aunt, who is in a prison in TX waiting to be deported (I guess). She is experiencing defeat...wonder what she's prayed for in prison. Wonder if the angels I prayed for helped her meditate on her situation.

It's been a hard hit for the family to take, and also has opened up many wounds that need to be cleaned up and healed. How we communicate - how things like Facebook connect us but we're more disconnected than ever, I feel.  Throughout this whole thing though, prayer has united us. Not in religion, but in spirituality.

Sending light from my heart to wherever my aunt is...let's see things for what they really are.

Poison

I write because that's the only way I listen to myself when no one hears me. .
Today I close a chapter of my life...don't know which chapter that is at the moment but I'm sure I'll know once I live a few more years.

My heart, my stomach, my brain, my self are not well.
I made really stupid decisions again yesterday and hurt a lot of people I care about..
I am blessed to say no  one is physically hurt, but my own pain is too heavy to handle at the moment.

So much things to say, and all I can focus on is that one person who shouldn't have seen me do whatever I was doing. A blossoming friendship and love - is poisoned. What the fuck was I thinking?

That was the last straw. That's it.

----

I now know the difference between people who love me and people who just want to cop my energy. I'm done. The universe keeps protecting me from absolute horrible things happening to me for a reason and it's time for me to wake the fuck up and stop playing. I trust in my purpose to creatively restructure and bring power to those who still don't believe they got it.

I haven't lost shit...in fact i'm gaining everything. What's up world.